JOKES and Hunting humor
A woman goes into a Wal-mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Wal-Mart associate is standing there wearing dark glasses.
She says, "Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you will drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "Thats a six foot Shakespear graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10 lb. test. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She say's, "It's amasing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter, I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops to the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrased, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only one around.
the man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00, and the stink bait is $3.50."
She says, "Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you will drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "Thats a six foot Shakespear graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10 lb. test. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She say's, "It's amasing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter, I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops to the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrased, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only one around.
the man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00, and the stink bait is $3.50."
Its fair chase, or its foul!
The game warden is making his rounds around the wildlife refuge when he hears the unmistakeable sound of a shotgun in the distance. As he heads in the direction of the shot, he sees an old boy carrying a blue heron.
He pulls up the gentleman in question and asks, "Sir, you do realize this is a refuge and blue herons are protected, right?"
The old gent replies, "Yes sir, I do, but I haven't worked for going on a year now and things don't look to be getting any better. I am only trying to put some food on the table for my family, I really don't mean no harm."
The game warden asks if this is the first time he's done this.
"No, sir, I'm sorry to say. This is not the first blue heron I've taken, but I am at my wit's end!"
The game warden, being the thoughtful person he was, felt for the old boy and was very impressed with his honesty. He said, "Well, for being so truthful and the fact that you are down on your luck, I'm not going to give you a ticket. But I never want to see you hunting out here again, regardless of how tough things are for you, understand?"
"Yes sir! Thank you, sir! I promise you will never see me out here again!"
Curious, the game warden asks, "So, how do those blue herons taste anyways?"
The old gent, with a twinkle in his eye, says, "About the same as those bald eagles."
He pulls up the gentleman in question and asks, "Sir, you do realize this is a refuge and blue herons are protected, right?"
The old gent replies, "Yes sir, I do, but I haven't worked for going on a year now and things don't look to be getting any better. I am only trying to put some food on the table for my family, I really don't mean no harm."
The game warden asks if this is the first time he's done this.
"No, sir, I'm sorry to say. This is not the first blue heron I've taken, but I am at my wit's end!"
The game warden, being the thoughtful person he was, felt for the old boy and was very impressed with his honesty. He said, "Well, for being so truthful and the fact that you are down on your luck, I'm not going to give you a ticket. But I never want to see you hunting out here again, regardless of how tough things are for you, understand?"
"Yes sir! Thank you, sir! I promise you will never see me out here again!"
Curious, the game warden asks, "So, how do those blue herons taste anyways?"
The old gent, with a twinkle in his eye, says, "About the same as those bald eagles."
It ain't the size of the gun but the placement of the bullet.
Warning! Go potty before you read this..................
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that's it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%
mailto: DESTRUCTION @ ! @$$!%>!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hades!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up here??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that's it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%
mailto: DESTRUCTION @ ! @$$!%>!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hades!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up here??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
Hiker
Proverbs 3:5-6
Proverbs 3:5-6
THE POPE & THE BEAR
On a tour of Montana, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
mountains for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in
the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the
woods. A helpless man, wearing sandals, Hawaiian shorts, a save-the-whales tee
shirt and a tree-hugger hat was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.
As the pope watched horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One ran up and quickly fired a 44mag into the bear's chest. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding semiconscious man from the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and hauled it to their truck.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists. But now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God, and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to go back to Missoula and grab another one?"
On a tour of Montana, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
mountains for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in
the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the
woods. A helpless man, wearing sandals, Hawaiian shorts, a save-the-whales tee
shirt and a tree-hugger hat was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.
As the pope watched horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One ran up and quickly fired a 44mag into the bear's chest. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding semiconscious man from the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and hauled it to their truck.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists. But now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God, and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to go back to Missoula and grab another one?"
Deadi
-
callofthewild
- 2 point
- Posts: 203
- Joined: Wed Sep 05, 2007 3:19 pm
- Location: utah county
-
Coloradobuck
- Monster
- Posts: 1131
- Joined: Thu Dec 14, 2006 9:30 pm
- Location: Gypsum Colorado
Nothing Tops A Good Days Hunt
2am: -Alarm clock rings
3 am -Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
3:10 am -Throw everything but the kitchen sink into pickup
3:30 am- Leave for deep woods
5 am - Drive back home to pick up gun
5:30 am- Drive like burn to get to the woods before daylight
7 am - Set up camp, forgot dang tent!
7:30 am head for the woods
7:35 am - see 8 elk
7:36 am -take aim squeeze trigger.
7:37 am - CLICK
7:38 am- Load gun while watching elk go over hill
9:30 am - head back to camp
10 am - still looking for camp
10:01 am- realize you don’t know where camp is
12 noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries
12:05 pm Run out of bullets - 8 elk come back
1 pm - strange feeling in stomach
1:10- pm realized you ate poisoned berries
1:35 -pm= rescued rushed to Hospital to have stomach pumped
3:30- pm arrive back in camp
3:40-pm leave camp to kill elk
3:50-pm-Return to camp for bullets
4 pm - load gun-leave camp again
4:30pm - Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
5 pm- arrive back at camp see elk grazing in camp
5:01 pm - load gun
5:02 - Fire gun
5:03 pm - one dead pickup
5:35pm - Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging elk
5:36 pm - Repress desire to shoot hunting partner
5:37 pm - fall into fire
6 pm - change clothes throw burned ones into fire
6:05 take pickup leave hunting partner and his elk in camp
6:15pm -Pickup boils over , hole shot in block
6:16 pm - Start Walking
6:20 pm - stumble and fall dropping gun in mud
6:25 pm meet bear
6:26 pm - take aim
6:27 pm - Fire gun , blow up barrel plugged with mud
6:28 pm - mess pants
6:29 pm - climb tree
8 pm - bear leaves, wrap (*&@^(*&)&! Gun around tree
-10:30 pm - Home at Last ! Next day - Watch football game on TV slowly tearing up hunting licence into small pieces place in envelope and mail it to Game Dept with detailed instructions on where to place it !
2am: -Alarm clock rings
3 am -Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
3:10 am -Throw everything but the kitchen sink into pickup
3:30 am- Leave for deep woods
5 am - Drive back home to pick up gun
5:30 am- Drive like burn to get to the woods before daylight
7 am - Set up camp, forgot dang tent!
7:30 am head for the woods
7:35 am - see 8 elk
7:36 am -take aim squeeze trigger.
7:37 am - CLICK
7:38 am- Load gun while watching elk go over hill
9:30 am - head back to camp
10 am - still looking for camp
10:01 am- realize you don’t know where camp is
12 noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries
12:05 pm Run out of bullets - 8 elk come back
1 pm - strange feeling in stomach
1:10- pm realized you ate poisoned berries
1:35 -pm= rescued rushed to Hospital to have stomach pumped
3:30- pm arrive back in camp
3:40-pm leave camp to kill elk
3:50-pm-Return to camp for bullets
4 pm - load gun-leave camp again
4:30pm - Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
5 pm- arrive back at camp see elk grazing in camp
5:01 pm - load gun
5:02 - Fire gun
5:03 pm - one dead pickup
5:35pm - Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging elk
5:36 pm - Repress desire to shoot hunting partner
5:37 pm - fall into fire
6 pm - change clothes throw burned ones into fire
6:05 take pickup leave hunting partner and his elk in camp
6:15pm -Pickup boils over , hole shot in block
6:16 pm - Start Walking
6:20 pm - stumble and fall dropping gun in mud
6:25 pm meet bear
6:26 pm - take aim
6:27 pm - Fire gun , blow up barrel plugged with mud
6:28 pm - mess pants
6:29 pm - climb tree
8 pm - bear leaves, wrap (*&@^(*&)&! Gun around tree
-10:30 pm - Home at Last ! Next day - Watch football game on TV slowly tearing up hunting licence into small pieces place in envelope and mail it to Game Dept with detailed instructions on where to place it !
“Courage is being scared to death but saddling up anyway”-john wayne
-
BIGBUCKCRAZY
- Spike
- Posts: 146
- Joined: Thu Aug 30, 2007 9:26 pm
- Location: JUNCTION CO.