JOKES and Hunting humor
TheGreatwhitehunter
9/9/07 5:04am
Post some some of those hunting jokes
Jim and Bob went deer hunting on Jim's cousin's land Jim's cousin said you can hunt here as long as you will shoot our old milk cow for us she is old and needs to be put to rest.
Jim decided to play a joke on Bob he got back in the truck and said to Bob, "The old cuss wont let us hunt here so were gonna shoot his cow."
They got out there and Jim starts to shoot the cow he fires and gets in the truck. A few seconds later he hears another shot. Bob gets in the truck and says, "Let's go I shot his dog too!"
Jim and Bob went deer hunting on Jim's cousin's land Jim's cousin said you can hunt here as long as you will shoot our old milk cow for us she is old and needs to be put to rest.
Jim decided to play a joke on Bob he got back in the truck and said to Bob, "The old cuss wont let us hunt here so were gonna shoot his cow."
They got out there and Jim starts to shoot the cow he fires and gets in the truck. A few seconds later he hears another shot. Bob gets in the truck and says, "Let's go I shot his dog too!"
8,062
lets hear some more!! some of you guys got to have some pretty good jokes, unfortunately i dont know any ](*,)
He was about to be leavin' a cove that was pretty well-known for its fishing success.
The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"Naw, sir", replied the redneck. "I ain't got none of them there licenses. You gotta understand,
these here are my pet fish."
"PET FISH?"
Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile.
Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth Mr. Government Man.
I'll show ya. It really works."
"O. K.", said the warden. "I've got to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the warden says, "Well?"
"Well, what?", says the redneck.
The warden says, "When are you going to call them back?"
"Call WHO back?"
"The FISH", replied the warden!
"WHAT FISH?", replied the redneck.
MORAL: We rednecks may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees!
2nd one was good also.
It was Saturday morning and Bill, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Susan, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage. Bill asks her, What are you up to? Susan smiles, I'm going hunting with you! Bill, though he has many reservations, reluctantly decides to take her along.
They arrive at the hunting site. Bill sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and shoot. I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot. Bill walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Susan couldn't bag an chicken, let alone a deer.
But not 15 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears several gunshots. Quickly, Bill starts running back to his wife's tree stand. As Bill gets closer, he hears Susan screaming, get away from my deer! Confused, Bill races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell, get away from my deer! Followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Bill is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air. The cowboy, obviously distraught, says, Okay, mam, okay! You can have your deer! Just let me get my saddle off it!
Heres another one
Two men from the states were very excited about a 3 day hunting trip. They were going to Canada to hunt some big game animals, since they were just used to hunting small deer, rabbit, and squirrel in the states. The first day the game warden wished them luck cause it hadn't been a good season and no one had killed anything in two weeks.
The two men left to go hunting and when they came back that night the warden greeted them by saying, "Have any luck?" The men pulled up a huge buck that they had killed which had a bullet hole right between the eyes. The warden congratulated them and said, "That was one heck of a shot."
The next day the warden greeted the two men again before they left and again wished them luck. This night the men came back with an even bigger buck and the buck also had a bullet hole right between the eyes. The warden was amazed at their success and also the good aim the hunters had.
The last day went about the same as the first two and on the last night the two hunters came back with a huge grizzly bear. The bear also had a bullet hole right between the eyes but it also had a hole in each paw. The warden noticed this and questioned the two men how that happened. One of the hunters replied with, "That's where he tried to cover his eyes from the spot light."
good ones!
The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning
with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same
thing -hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!" He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football
player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed
and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said. They couldn't believe it!
They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed
and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."
chests of fish. He was leaving a cove well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the man "Do you have a license to catch those
fish?"
"Naw, sir, I ain't got none of them there licenses, no. You must
understand these here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" said the game warden.
"Ya. Every night I take these here fish down to da lake and let them
swim 'round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump rightt back into this
here ice chest and I take them home."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that!" says the warden. The
redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said "It's the
truth Mr. Government man, I'll show you... it really works."
"Okay" said the game warden, "I've GOT to see this!"
The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"
"Well, what?" said the redneck.
The warden said "When are you going to call them back?"
The redneck said "Call who back?"
"The FISH!" replied the warden.
"What fish?" answered the redneck.
this just shows that even a redneck is smarter tham goverment employees. :)
they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female
moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan
was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume
and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing,
donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long,
their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into
the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front
said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like
an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are
we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start
nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
She says, "Excuse me sir, can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you will drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "Thats a six foot Shakespear graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10 lb. test. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She say's, "It's amasing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter, I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her credit card drops to the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrased, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only one around.
the man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes Ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, but the duck call is $11.00, and the stink bait is $3.50."
He pulls up the gentleman in question and asks, "Sir, you do realize this is a refuge and blue herons are protected, right?"
The old gent replies, "Yes sir, I do, but I haven't worked for going on a year now and things don't look to be getting any better. I am only trying to put some food on the table for my family, I really don't mean no harm."
The game warden asks if this is the first time he's done this.
"No, sir, I'm sorry to say. This is not the first blue heron I've taken, but I am at my wit's end!"
The game warden, being the thoughtful person he was, felt for the old boy and was very impressed with his honesty. He said, "Well, for being so truthful and the fact that you are down on your luck, I'm not going to give you a ticket. But I never want to see you hunting out here again, regardless of how tough things are for you, understand?"
"Yes sir! Thank you, sir! I promise you will never see me out here again!"
Curious, the game warden asks, "So, how do those blue herons taste anyways?"
The old gent, with a twinkle in his eye, says, "About the same as those bald eagles."
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "Pocket Taser" for their anniversary. Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest.
The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.
The effects of the taser were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that's it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries... right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit, I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and
HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @!@$$!%
mailto: DESTRUCTION @ ! @$$!%>!@*!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!
Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.
SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hades!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits
(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up here??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
Still in shock,
On a tour of Montana, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the
mountains for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the campground in
the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just at the edge of the
woods. A helpless man, wearing sandals, Hawaiian shorts, a save-the-whales tee
shirt and a tree-hugger hat was struggling frantically, thrashing around trying to free himself from the jaws of a 10 foot grizzly.
As the pope watched horrified, a group of loggers came racing up. One ran up and quickly fired a 44mag into the bear's chest. The other two reached out and pulled the bleeding semiconscious man from the bear. Then using long clubs, the three loggers beat the bear to death and hauled it to their truck.
Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to come over. "I give you my blessing for your brave actions!" he told them. "I heard that there was bitter hatred between loggers and environmental activists. But now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."
As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies "Who was that?"
"It was the Pope," one replied. "He is in direct contact with God, and has access to all of God's wisdom."
"Well," the logger said, "he may have access to God's wisdom, but he sure doesn't know anything about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to go back to Missoula and grab another one?"
2am: -Alarm clock rings
3 am -Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
3:10 am -Throw everything but the kitchen sink into pickup
3:30 am- Leave for deep woods
5 am - Drive back home to pick up gun
5:30 am- Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight
7 am - Set up camp, forgot damn tent!
7:30 am head for the woods
7:35 am - see 8 elk
7:36 am -take aim squeeze trigger.
7:37 am - CLICK
7:38 am- Load gun while watching elk go over hill
9:30 am - head back to camp
10 am - still looking for camp
10:01 am- realize you don’t know where camp is
12 noon - Fire gun for help - eat wild berries
12:05 pm Run out of bullets - 8 elk come back
1 pm - strange feeling in stomach
1:10- pm realized you ate poisoned berries
1:35 -pm= rescued rushed to Hospital to have stomach pumped
3:30- pm arrive back in camp
3:40-pm leave camp to kill elk
3:50-pm-Return to camp for bullets
4 pm - load gun-leave camp again
4:30pm - Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
5 pm- arrive back at camp see elk grazing in camp
5:01 pm - load gun
5:02 - Fire gun
5:03 pm - one dead pickup
5:35pm - Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging elk
5:36 pm - Repress desire to shoot hunting partner
5:37 pm - fall into fire
6 pm - change clothes throw burned ones into fire
6:05 take pickup leave hunting partner and his elk in camp
6:15pm -Pickup boils over , hole shot in block
6:16 pm - Start Walking
6:20 pm - stumble and fall dropping gun in mud
6:25 pm meet bear
6:26 pm - take aim
6:27 pm - Fire gun , blow up barrel plugged with mud
6:28 pm - mess pants
6:29 pm - climb tree
8 pm - bear leaves, wrap (*&@^(*&)&! Gun around tree
-10:30 pm - Home at Last ! Next day - Watch football game on TV slowly tearing up hunting licence into small pieces place in envelope and mail it to Game Dept with detailed instructions on where to place it !